Some days. I want to just move in the middle of nowhere and just isolate myself. Some days I question whether I can handle everything that is thrown at me. My life isn’t crazy stressful or anything. I just make it worse than it is. I just personally can’t handle my own small struggles. My tenant decided to allow his girlfriend to move into my house without telling me. My brother continues to bully me on a regular basis. Although, I’ve decided right now that it’s actually my own insecurities and perceptions that make his comments hurt more than the intentions behind them. My neighbour said that she knows a girls who’s interested in me. Yet, I feel nervous. Maybe that’s normal. I mean I’ve never met the girl. Apparently I’ve walked by her and said hi to her. I’m sure I’d recognize her if I saw her.
Often I just feel overwhelmed. I think, maybe I can’t do this all on my own. I have my own house, pay my own bills and have my own dog. I feel I some areas, especially my dating life and career, are currently going nowhere. I feel like I’m in this endless spiral out of control.
Thoughts like “I’m an idiot, what am I even doing. Might as well just give up” are a normal occurrence for me. Maybe that’s how I was raised. Maybe that’s just a bad habit. Who knows. I’ve questioned it all only to realize that I’ll never really know the answers to some of my biggest questions. Does it even really matter though? Do we need to know the answers to everything?
I get pressured from people to do a certain thing, I get encouraged by others to do something else, and I’m attracted to something completely different. I’m being pulled in multiple directions. There’s internal conflict that is causing tremendous damage to me all over. Sometimes I feel like I just want ti float in an empty tank of nothing. Completely erase my memory and just sit for a minute. To just breathe. Just to hit the pause button for a moment. Just to regain my clarity.
I often think “what should I be doing?”, “what is the appropriate action in this situation?”. Again, does it matter? Do I need to do anything or can I just be happy with what is? Maybe I don’t need to do anything. Maybe I need to just let my life be what it is.
I’m tired of everything bothering me. Instead of trying to get rid of everything I think I need to stop being bothered by everything. Like I said before, I don’t know where this comes from but I do it.
